LAKE COUNTY — There is no doubt about the insidious nature of domestic violence. When a person is victimized by a partner, the effects are devastating and far-reaching, not only rocking the victim”s world but also that of friends, neighbors and employers.
And up to this point, in the four previous articles on domestic violence, we have referred to victims in general, primarily, as “she.” Statistics tell us that women are the primary victims of domestic violence, outnumbering male victims by more than three to one for rape and physical assault, according to the National Violence Against Women survey, conducted in July 2000 and sponsored by the National Institute of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
There are, however, two misleading assumptions that can arise regarding those findings: domestic violence does not have to mean physical violence, and those numbers may not accurately reflect the actual occurrence of domestic violence perpetrated on men.
Deputy Director at Lake Family Resource Center (LFRC) Rae Eby-Carl noted that a majority of male victims are involved in a same-sex relationship.
However, men do suffer at the hands of women. So, what happens when law enforcement responds to a call involving a man and a woman, and the man is the victim?
Lake County Sheriff Rodney Mitchell noted that while the vast majority of domestic violence victims are female, “domestic violence perpetrated on men by women is underreported.”
Deciding whom to arrest becomes difficult in some cases. “Sometimes officers respond to a domestic violence situation and both the female and the male are pointing the finger at each other saying the other initiated the crime,” said Senior Deputy District Attorney Richard Hinchcliff.
Mitchell pointed out that the issue is further clouded by a cultural reluctance in domestic violence situations.
“Sometimes male victims are not as prone to actually admit that they”ve been a victim of an abuse by a female,” said Mitchell. “Culturally, men are not as prone to admit to being victims of violence committed by a woman. It happens more often than it is reported.”
Mitchell noted that domestic violence legislation passed since 1983 has made it easier to make any domestic violence-related arrest, as arrests can now be made based on statements gathered by law enforcement on the scene of a domestic violence incident. Hinchcliff said of the total 349 domestic violence-related cases referred to the District Attorney”s Office for possible prosecution since November 2005, 89 identified a female as the perpetrator.
Even as the National Institute of Justice made its conclusion that the numbers in its July 2000 survey pointed to a prevalence of female victims, the wording of that conclusion stated that “women were significantly more likely to report being raped and physically assaulted by a current or former intimate partner.”
According to the National Institute of Justice survey, women are at least three times more likely to report domestic abuse.
Why aren”t the numbers necessarily accurate? “Men don”t come forward and say, I”m in a domestic violence situation and I”m the victim.” Most men may feel emasculated by that, because that”s not what men do in our culture,” explained Janine Smith, LFRC”s director of Programs for domestic violence.
Of a reported 950 people who sought help for a domestic violence situation from LFRC last year, 14 were male.
When asked why men tend not to report abuse, Smith said, “I think they don”t understand that (domestic abuse) is a syndrome. It”s not about just incidences of abuse; it”s a pattern of behavior.”
Indeed, the scope of domestic abuse reaches beyond what can be prosecuted in a court of law. It includes abuses not only physical, but emotional, verbal, sexual, economic and system abuse, among others.
Two male victims of domestic violence were willing to talk to the Record-Bee to help dispel the myth that men are somehow exempt from the problem. The names have been changed for the victims” protection.
Emotional abuse prevailed in Andy Sherman”s case; he sought help from LFRC with a domestic violence situation approximately two years ago.
Sherman said abuse is not just hitting. “A verbal browbeating is no different than a slap across the face,” he said. “It hurts. Real men cry, real men hurt, just like women.”
Sherman said he decided to take action when none of his efforts to work things out with his girlfriend succeeded. He called LFRC”s crisis line and asked for help in breaking the cycle of violence.
“Most males just give up,” said another local domestic violence survivor, Tim Jones. “They don”t want to go through the trouble (of reporting the abuse), or I guess look like they”re weak.”
Jones is one of the few who came forward to get help, one of the 14 male victims LFRC served in the last year.
He took steps to end his abusive relationship with his wife in July, receiving legal services through LFRC to obtain a restraining order to protect himself and their children.
“She did whatever she wanted to do, and it didn”t matter who she hurt,” said Jones.
The abuse was how his wife exerted power and control in their relationship, Jones explained, which is what abusers seek to do, Smith added.
Jones related that the bulk of the abuse he suffered over the last three years was emotional. “She would come home drunk and tell me I was worthless and I didn”t care about her or the kids,” he said.
The abuse also included her affair, which Jones said she flaunted in front of their four children, causing confusion and heartache.
“She”d stay gone for three days at a time,” he recalled. “She was always telling me I didn”t love her, I never did enough for her and that she didn”t love me.”
During those three years, Jones said his wife also attacked him physically twice. She split his lip the first time; Jones expressed disagreement in a discussion they were having, at which point Jones said “she just hauled off and backhanded me.”
On the second occasion, Jones said his wife began to hit him when he tried to stop her from burning some of the family”s possessions in their yard after an argument.
Jones related that he started to be able to see when the abuse was coming. “I could see it in her eyes; she was just gone,” he said. “She was just not there furious.”
Jones said he stayed for the children”s sake, until the oldest began to suffer abuse at his wife”s hands as well. The day he decided to seek a restraining order for himself and the oldest child, he was removed from his and his wife”s home before he made his move.
Jones” wife had obtained a temporary restraining order first, which she apparently later told him she had done to beat him to the punch. At the hearing date held for both his temporary restraining order and her”s, his was granted and her”s was thrown out. Jones then moved back into his home with his children; his wife was given 48 hours to remove her possessions from the home.
“Most guys just leave their kids and their wives and take off. I didn”t want to do that,” said Jones. “Those are my children.”
He added, “She”d pushed me around so much I just wasn”t willing to give in this time.”
Smith explained that, just like in the case of a woman seeking to protect her children, there is substantial risk involved for a man trying to end the cycle of violence when there are children involved.
The battle has not been easy for Jones; he is currently in the midst of a struggle to win custody of his children, with some ground gained and some lost.
When asked if he had any words of advice for men who are being battered, whether physically or otherwise, Jones said, “Don”t put up with it as long as I did. Stop it before this kind of stuff happens.”
Contact Tiffany Revelle at trevelle@record-bee.com.
