Taking my cue from a recent letter to the editor, the Lake County Record-Bee will experiment with eliminating bad news from the newspaper by first banning it from the sports section. If we”re successful and the attempt is well-received by our readers, we”ll try doing the same with the front page and the vital statistics page, which means you won”t read any more obituaries.
They”re too darn depressing.
While we”re at it, a thorough revision of the classifieds may be in order. Lost-and-found pets are out & that”s depressing and I don”t want it ruining my day thinking about how Fluffy the lost kitten is wandering Highway 29 somewhere, now homeless and meowing her little, starving heart out.
But whoa, let”s not get too carried away. This, after all, is a sports column in a sports section, so let”s get down to the new “good news” Bee sports section.
Beginning in the near future, only winning teams will be covered. If you lose, you”re bringing us all down and we can”t have that. No one cares, OK? As Tom Tolbert often says on the Razor and Mr. T radio program (KNBR 680 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.), “Loooosssseerrr!!!!”
This could adversely affect our local coverage if the high school your son/daughter/nephew/niece/cousin/grandchild/neighbor/friend is attending has a tough season. Sorry, you”re losers, and losers are bad news. Save the phone call. Call us when you win (by the way, some county coaches already have mastered this).
Certain high schools notorious for losing during certain sports seasons can cancel their subscriptions during that time of year and save a little money to invest in said sports teams. Hey, every penny counts as far as athletic budgets go these days.
Lakeport Speedway crashes and fights will be out. We don”t want that bad news in our newspaper, either.
Letters to the editor ripping the sports coverage are out as well because if you”re upset and writing about me, it”s always bad news.
Today in sports news at Virginia Tech & well, we won”t go there, because a bad thing happened there Monday and it”s all, well, too depressing to recount. We”re better off not knowing what happened to who and how. That kind of news should be buried on Page A2 next to the Home Help Special Section ad.
Coaches who make “bad news” comments will be censored on the spot, a log kept and the results reported to their athletic directors for disciplinary action. Don”t go running down another team, the opposing coach, their fans or the sports officials. It”s too depressing and it”s not quite fair. It”s certainly not good news, so it must be bad, and therefore we don”t want it.
Sports headlines will no longer contain verbs that are deemed “bad-newish” such as hammered, routed, smacked, blasted, or even lose, etc. We”ll simply say, “Cardinals play great! Look sharp! Are outstanding! Score 13 less than friendly opponents.”
Now that”s positive.
Golf columnist John Berry will no longer be able to mention golfers such as Greg Norman. Terry Knight will no longer talk about hunting, which involves killing, and that”s all bad news.
When The Dawg fails to pick a Kentucky Derby winner, well, we won”t even contemplate using the word fail.
Speaking of The Dawg, his sometimes surly attitude will have to change. Maybe neutering will help, bout we won”t run a story about that. Bad news. Depressing.
The good news on The Dawg front is that he is leaning away from Any Given Saturday and toward Curlin as his Derby favorite, with Cowtown Cat and Any Given Saturday close behind. More on that later.
Back to “good-newsish” changes you”ll soon see at the Record-Bee.
The Giants will never lose another game. Neither will the A”s, Warriors, Sharks, 49ers or Raiders. That”s the good news. The bad news? Raiders fans will probably have to read about their team in another paper because the Silver and Black are far too depressing and far too bad.
If our goal of eliminating bad news from the sports section works as well as I think it will, you”ll soon be reading about a crimeless Lake County. Front-page photos of rainbows, fawns, butterflies and smiling children will cover our front page.
War dead in Iraq? Spiraling gas prices? Forget about that. We don”t need to know about it, it”s not important. If it were important, it would be on Page 1 and not 2 or 3, 4 or 16, if we even use it at all. Give me the good news because that makes my coffee and toast taste better in the morning.
Oh, it”s such a beautiful world.
Editor”s note: Brian Sumpter is the sports editor of the Lake County Record-Bee. If you would like to respond to his column, send only good comments to RBSports@aol.com as all bad comments will be stricken under our new policy.
