So I dialed and dialed and dialed The Dawg”s phone number late Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday, only to run into a recording on his answering machine. I was not amused.
Lake County”s prestigious pony prognosticator was nowhere to be found after Big Brown”s incredible run to win the Kentucky Derby on Saturday at Churchill Downs. Big Brown started in the 20th post position, broke from the gate clean, accelerated to Warp Factor Nine and dismantled the field like few Kentucky Derby winners have ever done.
Normally a historic event such as this would bring a smile to my face, perhaps even a tear to my eye, but while most Derby followers were reveling in Big Brown”s triumph, I was trying to find the horse I had bet on — on The Dawg”s expert advice, of course — as the ponies crossed the finish line.
There”s Big Brown, there”s Eight Belles, there”s Denis of Cork, there”s Tale of Ekati, there”s Recapturetheglory, and there, way back in sixth place, finally, limping sideways across the finish line, is Colonel John, the California horse with the dazed eyes beneath the Emporio Armani sunglasses.
Yep, The Dawg”s can”t-miss pick in this year”s Derby was a real bow-wow. Sixth! From picking a winner in Barbaro two years ago, to a horse that at least finished in the money a year ago in Curlin, to the next plow nag appearing at your local farm in Colonel John this year, The Dawg really missed the boat on this one.
Colonel John, Kentucky Derby winner? Hell, I”ve seen better racing legs at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
When I dialed The Dawg”s number, which is tough to get considering he”s in witness protection, the master recording snarled and said, “You”ve reached The Dawg”s Kentucky Derby post-race report. Please push your horse”s post-position number for a post-race summary of why I told you to bet on that loser.”
So I pressed 10, which was Colonel John”s post-position number. “You”ve reached the Colonel John post-race summary. Colonel John broke from the gate and was 17 ? lengths back at the quarter-mile pole after stopping to sign autographs, have a mint julip and pee on the dirt surface. By the half-mile mark our little Mercury was only 16 lengths back, largely because he was talking on his cell phone while zig-zagging in and out of traffic. Three-quarters of a mile into the race he was a mere 10 ? lengths back and could only hear Big Brown”s echo. He purchased a Lotto ticket and decided to keep running. Our little speed demon from the Arnie Schwarzenegger state was only 6 ? lengths behind at the mile mark, stopped to tell Roger Clemens that he understood why the star pitcher would pal around with a 15-year-old girl (for the titillating conversation, no doubt), and galloped down the stretch a mere light year behind Big Brown. When he crossed the finish line he thought he had won until jockey Barry Zito told him it wasn”t so and that anyone can have a bad day ?”
“If you bet on Colonel John, I regret to inform you that you”re a Looooossssseeeer!” At that point I heard a toilet flush and then the dial tone.
I called The Dawg hotline back, wanting to talk to a real Dawg, but I only received a recorded message again. “Sorry, you”ve already called today and you”re a looooosssssser! Have a nice day.”
Hundreds and hundreds of phone calls later, all I could get was a busy signal.
I think I handled my latest loss of U.S. currency pretty well — hey, I could have lost something really valuable like gold or Euros or even Canadian dollars — but one of my colleagues, Bob Minenna, was not as forgiving. We”ll call him Big Bob because that”s the name he”s gone by since leaving the Gambino family, where he had a reputation similar to Luca Brazi”s.
“I”ll find him, he can”t hide from me,” Minenna told me early Monday. “That long snout is gonna be a few inches shorter unless that guy gives me my money back. I can”t believe I bet on that! Heck, there should at least be a rule that California horses try and win the Derby. I”ve seen fat dudes I was chasing down alleys in the Bronx run faster than that horse.”
While I was accepting of The Dawg”s dismal, devastating and utterly disappointing decision to go with Colonel John this year, Minenna wasn”t having any of it.
“That horse lost to a girl. I mean if you lose to a girl in high school, your life is essentially over,” Minnena said of filly Eight Belles, who unfortunately had to be euthanized after sustaining a devastating injury to her front legs.
“I felt bad for that horse,” Minenna said. “That”s a terrible thing to happen to a sweet animal.”
Like The Dawg?
“Not The Dawg. He”s only got two good legs ? at least right now,” Minenna chuckled. “We”ll work on that.”
At least now I know why The Dawg is on the lamb and not answering his phone. You can run Dawg, but you can”t hide. We”ve staked out your table at the Sonoma County Fairgrounds satellite wagering facility, your house, and all your favorite hangouts. Time to throw yourself on the mercy of the Minenna.
