As I was channel surfing this past weekend between Major League Baseball, U.S. Olympic trials, the Women”s U.S. Open and Wimbledon, I stumbled across a television show about the Mayan culture on the History Channel. I”m sad to report that the Mayan calendar not only predicts the end of mankind, but also gives the month, day and year — Dec. 21, 2012.
It”s a Friday, too. What a bummer.
My first thought was that this is happening only four days before Christmas. Why couldn”t it be Dec. 26 or 27? Of course, knowing that it”s Dec. 21 means I won”t have to spend money on Christmas presents in the weeks leading up to doomsday. I”ll send out Hallmark cards befitting such an occasion with the handwritten note, “World”s ending Dec. 21, no present coming from the Sumpters, hope you understand, nice knowing you!”
The world”s ending on Dec. 21 also means we”ll never know who wins the Super Bowl the following month. The Raiders will probably be closing in on a perfect record by then — either 16-0 or 0-16 — and the 49ers will still be holding out hope for Alex Smith as their next Joe Montana.
The Warriors most likely will be off to their best start since winning the NBA Championship in the mid-1970s, the Sharks will have just acquired Sidney Crosby in a blockbuster trade, and Barry Zito will be taking a bow and thanking Giants management for sticking with him after his mighty struggles in 2007 and 2008. “I never expected to go 24-3, win the Cy Young Award and the World Series in the same year,” Zito proclaims at a press conference just days before it all ends.
The annual Record-Bee Hoop Classic will have just completed its 19th run in mid-December of 2012 and coach Forrest Stogner will have led Upper Lake to a third straight tournament title, helped out by adopted son Yang Dao Ping-Stogner, a 7-foot-3 center formerly of Mainland China.
Knowing the date of our doom also means I”ll probably approach the 2012-13 sports season a bit differently than previous campaigns. Forget about a fall sports section, I”m just flat out not doing one. Soccer will be canceled. Middletown will advance to the state championship game in football and win 48-0 against (pick a private or religious school) on Friday, Dec. 21, somewhere in Southern California probably. A nearly hoarse head coach Bill Foltmer will be pleased with his team”s performance, but not too pleased. “I thought we should have scored 62, but we were a little sloppy,” Foltmer says, vein in neck bulging. “I”m just glad we were able to win the big one before Armageddon.”
Back on the home front in Lake County, county officials will still be scrambling to figure out how much to charge boats for quagga and zerba mussel stickers and where to put the decontamination stations even though the lake has been overrun by the tiny critters for more than four years.
“We”re closing in on a solution,” a county official will state even as 2,500 ICBMs are closing in on us and even though Terry Knight”s Friday, Dec. 21 Outdoorsman column proclaims, “Mussels overrun decontamination stations, no survivors.”
Back at the Bee, I”ll be taking the results of countless varsity basketball games and editing Middletown”s state championship football story. On the other hand, given that the end is near, I might also be kicking back at my desk drinking Corona.
While the world is supposed to end on Dec. 21, 2012, there is no exact time or exact cause.
I suppose I”d rather have Armageddon occur in the morning because I”m not a morning person. And why get up and go through the motions of another day when I could be in bed snoozing when the world goes boom? Of course, maybe it won”t go boom after all. Maybe the sun will just turn off, a plague (a mutated form of Clear Lake swimmer”s itch perhaps) will sweep the globe in a day”s time. Maybe it will be mutant quagga mussels or perhaps a meteor the size of Texas that hits the FOX studio first before getting all of us second.
I”ll have to find out how many mortgage payments I can skip so that I can still remain in my home through Dec. 21. I”ll also forego payment on other bills so that I can afford things that really matter ? that big plasma, hi-def TV and the NFL, NBA, NHL and college football cable packages, topped by a Dolby surround-sound system. Oh, and I won”t forget to get that comfy recliner my wife won”t let me have.
In fact, I”m sleeping on that recliner Thursday overnight into the early hours of Dec. 21, TV remote close by, just in case it happens then. That way I can watch all the cable news networks run all the same stories on all the same things that won”t much matter in just a few hours. President Obama will be in his second term by then and gas will be $14.92 a gallon. The talking heads will still be babbling about finding alternative sources of energy and Sgt. Fred Bixler of Norman, Oklahoma, will be preparing for his 12th tour of duty in our 51st state of Iraq.
Geez, I can”t wait.
Editor”s note: Brian Sumpter is the sports editor for the Record-Bee. You can contact him at RBSports@aol. com but should do so before Dec. 21, 2012.
