Record-Bee sports columnist
Dawg. Dawg gone. Dawg gone with my money, again. Consider it an annual rite of spring.
Yes, May is here, so is the Kentucky Derby, and sniffing close behind both is Lake County”s premier horse racing prognosticator, The Dawg, who has beaten a hasty path back from his timeshare property on the Mexican Riviera in order to give his pick for this year”s Run for the Roses.
“Aaaaachoooooo!” ? The Dawg said with a sniffle, hoping the swine flu skips cuddly canines that roll out huge wads of cash this time of year with the hope of making even huger wads of cash. “Living on the Riveria ain”t free,” The Dawg yowled.
For those of you not in the know, The Dawg has been sharing his Kentucky Derby picks with Record-Bee readers for the better part of a decade and has even picked the correct horse a couple of times, most recently in 2006 with Barbaro, who later died (but don”t blame The Dawg).
As a special favor, The Dawg has even bet the hard-earned money of cash-strapped Record-Bee employees who actually believe he knows what he”s doing, a dwindling breed these days.
“Critics, critics,” The Dawg said. “You never learn. I win hundreds of races and thousands of dollars a year, but you judge me on one Saturday in May. You have no faith unless I win you money. How would you like it if I judged you by your performance on one day of the year? Say just about any day, because I read your stuff and can”t stop laughing most of the time,” The Dawg said in his scornful tone. “I”m doing you a favor taking your money anyway. Haven”t you read the CDC reports? Money is filthy with germs.”
The swine flu outbreak, including a reported case in Kentucky, hasn”t deterred The Dawg as the 135th Kentucky Derby moves toward the starting gate on Saturday.
“You”re asking a Dawg who bets on horses if he”s worried about some swine thing?” The Dawg said. “You humans have all the intestinal fortitude of the San Jose Sharks,” The Dawg said with a gleeful snarl. “I don”t even know why I bother to help you.”
But back to Dawg business.
The Dawg and other members of the assembled Dawgpound, as flea-bitten a collection of pony prognosticators as you”ll ever find this side of Appalachia, have used every method at their disposal to pick Saturday”s winner, including working their Quiji boards and crystal balls, rubbing their four-leaf clovers and throwing darts at the board.
Of course, only two of the seven agree on who that winner will be.
“Do you want to know what they think or what I think?” The Dawg snarled. “Who is running this show anyway? They”re all hacks, I”m the original Dawg. They”re just Dawgwannabes?”
So, with a drum roll, The Dawg”s pick for the 2009 Kentucky Derby is ? Dunkirk.
“Hey, history major, you should know Dunkirk. You know, World War II? British chased off the continent by the German army. French surrendering like they do in every war. Dunkirk. Got it?”
Yep, Dunkirk, got it Mr. Dawg.
“He won”t be out in front at the start of the race, so don”t pass out into your mint julep or anything like that. “He”ll come from off the pace. That”s what he does. He”s not a frontrunner, so stay cool until he makes his move,” The Dawg said, head held high, stomach puffed out.
So, by off the pace, I”m assuming that Dunkirk will make his move sometime during the 1 ?-quarter mile race, not an hour or two after it?
“Hey, smart guy, stick to your day job because you”re no comedian,” The Dawg snorted. “As sure as the Sharks stink, the Giants can”t hit and George W. was the worst president since Buchanan, Dunkirk will do more damage coming around that final turn than you did with that last story your wrote.”
The Dawg doesn”t really mince words if you haven”t guessed by now.
So it”s Dunkirk?
“Yeah,” The Dawg said. “Dunkirk ? D-U-N-K-I-R-K ? Dunkirk. He can”t miss. He”s a winner. He”s the cat”s meow even if I can”t stand cats.”
Yeah, but that”s what you said about Colonel John last year and Curlin in 2007. What happened there?
“Wow, you never let it go,” The Dawg whimpered. “Every Dawg has his day, mine was in 2006. My astrologer told me 2007 was going to be a bad year , so I may have missed with Curlin. I”m an Aquarius, my moon was in Libra or Sagittarius or something like that when I made that pick. It”s very technical. And I had no idea Colonel John was owned by the San Jose Sharks.”
Yeah, Dunkirk is history too, if you”re talking about the battle of, circa 1940.
“Yeah, only this time Dunkirk is going to be doing the beatin”, not Rommel”s panzers. You can take that one to the bank,” The Dawg said. “He was second in the Florida Derby and won”t be denied.”
As for the other members of the Dawgpound, this is what they”re saying.
Harness Jim, retired mob hitman who had a cameo in Goodfellas, agrees with The Dawg and is taking Dunkirk.
Mr. C (who carries no denomination lower than a C-note) thinks Pioneer of the Nile, the Santa Anita Derby, will carry the day.
Matt the Mole, recently released from Pelican Bay, likes Chocolate Candy, the runner-up in the Santa Anita Derby.
Business Bob, who just received his $12 million golden parachute from Chrysler, thinks Hold Me Back will win it all.
Kurt the Dirt (500 holes dug in the Las Vegas desert at last count, a record) is putting his bucks on Square Eddie.
Balcony Mike, former Amb-assador to Cuba, likes Pap Clam, the Arkansas Derby winner.
And, last but not least, Walter the Weasel (now in witness protection) thinks I Want Revenge will gallop away with the victory on Saturday. “The Dawg doesn”t like him,” said The Weasel, “so he”s probably going to win the thing.”
And with that final prediction by Weasel, The Dawg popped into his AMC Pacer and was off.
