Parental advice, perhaps?
By Casey P. Nunes
“Raise your kids as if you hope, through your model, your kids will raise their own kids.” Good advice? Too simplistic? Too presumptuous?
My most memorable lessons in high school social science were when my instructor went off on what he referred to as “tangential enrichment.” He called them, “metacognitive moments” when we discussed the big pictures of decision making and life in general beyond school.
We spent a couple classes studying ethics in economics. He was careful not to wag a finger and say, “This is right,” and “this is wrong.” Rather, we viewed a variety of historical narratives on “Rightness” from Socrates to Booker T. Washington.
Among the many “rightness tests” we studied, the “universibility test” made the most lasting impression on me. It involved asking questions of myself such as, “Am I a good example for other people to follow?” and “Are my behaviors worthy of emulation?”
Actually, that was my teacher”s No. 1 rule. He had it posted in the front of the classroom, “What if everyone did as I did?” He credited a philosopher named Immanuel Kant as the person who coined this idea. Its official title is the “Categorical Imperative.”
Another guy that my teacher often referenced was William Glasser, who said that an old teaching model was “You”d better learn this stuff or you”ll flunk.” Instead, he said that teachers should be guided by a different principle, “Invite this class into your world and you might find something interesting and useful. True learning rarely happens unless kids welcome the teacher and her/his message into their lives,” Glasser said.
Here”s where I think that I can apply what I learned in school about Kant and Glasser to how parents raise their kids. There”s a lot of statistical and anecdotal evidence to support the notion that kids tend to repeat their parents habits, good and not so good. How they vote in elections to whether they hit their children. Kids tend have default behaviors that they learned from observing their parents. It”s not a 100-percent proposition; it”s more like 70 percent.
For me, I doubt that I will ever hit my kids. My dad and his brothers got belt-whipped a bit, but that was a different time. It was an old, coercive, and controlling model. Like, “Do this, or I”ll hit you.” Or “If you don”t do this, I”ll punish you.” Some parents still use this authoritarian and often arbitrary model. Such as Pavlov”s dog. But, Glasser also said, “Pavlov should have done his experiments on a cat, because no self-respecting cat would willingly do anything you tried to force the feline to do.”
My dad never hit me, but, one time, he lost his temper and kicked me in the butt when he caught me riding my bike across the putting surface on the golf course where we lived. To this day, he kind of wishes he would”ve just taken my bike away for a week instead of booting me in the butt.
As a matter of fact, my dad never really coerced me to do much of anything. I don”t remember him ever saying the words, “Casey, you should do this,” or Casey, you shouldn”t do that.” His parenting was more like Kant or Glasser”s suggestions. Golden Rule-ish? And never any yelling. I”m glad that I wasn”t made to feel like I was an inconvenience.
I”m near certain that this phrase is bogus, “Do as I say, not as I do.” It just doesn”t work. Kids watch, kids know, their little eyes are very observant.
Contact Casey in Soda Bay at nunes_23@hotmail.com.
