“Who am I to question the big guy?” Barbi asked me over drinks on Saturday.
You see, on Oct. 14, Jazzi launched herself to heaven off a straight stretch of road on a clear afternoon. No drugs, no alcohol. Only she knows just what happened.
Maybe she swerved to miss an animal, a police officer offered as a possibility.
Katy Sweeny called me from the Chico newsroom, “Hey Mandy, I was writing this article on a fatal crash and when I went to get the girl”s photo from her mom”s Facebook, I noticed you are her friend,” Katy said. “Is she a real friend or a business contact?”
As friends go, Barbi is most definitely a real friend.
Barbi”s only daughter and only child died, just like that.
Barbi wrote: “Dear friends and family, I lost the love of my life today, my daughter Jazzi. She was coming home from Butte College, her calculus class, to get her backpack and finish the library route. She had a rollover accident near Butte College and didn”t survive. We had dinner last night, La Comida”s. She was very happy about her new boyfriend Alex, and how good school was going. She was tutoring and correcting papers for a teacher at Butte. She was soooo happy with her life, her friends, (Nerdy), her family, go figure, and her jobs. School, her car, all was great. So heaven is a little smarter today ?cause my Jazzi”s there.”
I just wanted to hug Barbi. I had no words. I finally got to see her last weekend. Just before we met I was frantically searching through boxes filled with memories, because about a week before the crash, I was looking at a big stack of photos from one of my daughter Miranda”s sleepover parties. With matching shirts and matching missing teeth, Miranda and Jazzi showed off a couple of too-much-sugar induced smiles. I wanted to bring those happy images to Barbi. I couldn”t find the photos in time.
I met her with nothing to offer but a hug, a shoulder and a sympathetic ear. Once we caught up a bit on daily life, Barbi talked about the time that preceded Jazzi”s launch. “That night at La Comida I asked her if she needed anything and she thought for a minute and said no,” Barbi told me on Saturday. “What 19-year-old can say that?”
“She was just so happy. She loved school, her roommates, so happy with her boyfriend — they were taking ballroom dancing. How many people can leave this world that happy?”
This is the point when most people would be filled with immeasurable sorrow. Not Barbi.
“The pleasure and joy of having that child in my life far outweighs the pain of losing her,” Barbi told me. She shared a peaceful smile with me.
Barbi said Jazzi died instantly, which was a real blessing, to know that she wasn”t in pain.
What an amazingly unselfish perspective.
John Steinbeck wrote in East of Eden, “I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible.”
Jazzi”s memorial saw an attendance of about 600 people. The self-described “nerd herd” emerged in the driveway, about 25 youth strong, to pay respect and honor the life of the young woman who gave them their name. “We”re friends of Jazzi,” they told Barbi as she welcomed them to her home.
Barbi credits all the friends and family for her solid state of mind, saying without them she would be “horizontal and fetal.” She said she unofficially adopted a 25-year-old who is parentless and asked her just “to go out to dinner with me every couple of weeks and tell me what she, as a young person is doing in her life and maybe go on vacation once in awhile. Because I really miss doing that,” she said. “I can never replace Jazzi. I can only think she”s up in heaven partying with my parents and friends.”
Barbi said she has her leaky moments. But overall she is so grateful for the time she had with Jazzi, rather than focusing on what might have been.
I am not writing this just before Christmas to bring anyone sadness, quite the contrary. On my drive home it occurred to me, people who feel the tremendous absence from losing loved ones, might find comfort during these holidays in the powerful perspective and important message that Barbi shared with me. It was too valuable not to share.
Mandy Feder is the Record-Bee managing editor. She can be reached at mandyfeder@yahoo.com or 263-5636 ext. 32.
