By Mandy Feder —
I think it was our 16th President Abraham Lincoln who said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Words to live by, Mr. Lincoln. Words to live by. If only this statement occurred to me when I needed it most. But, alas, I am guilty of putting my foot in my mouth more often than I care to admit. At least I”m not alone. The following are tales I solicited on the subject:
On the job
A friend who works for a neighboring county”s Department of Public Works offered this gem:
“I was working with a guy I barely knew. We were diverting traffic to a single-lane on a normally two-lane each direction road so we could do repairs. We tolerated the normal and usual amount of verbal abuse from … the happy motorists. But, that”s all in a day”s work. We were preparing to close down when a lady in a car comes driving through the cones toward us. I said to my workmate, “What does this dumb (expletive) idiot want? His reply, ?I don”t know, It”s my wife, I”ll ask her.” I couldn”t slap the smirk off his face if I had to during our long trip to the shop.”
Tracey: Who”s the boss?
“An employee of mine was trying to fix a copier that had paper stuck in it. She ended up getting her arm stuck in the copier and the paramedics had to be called. About a week later the owner of the company was joking with her and said, ?Hey Faith, don”t worry about it. I know a guy who was mowing a lawn and the lawn mower got jammed so he tried to un-jam it with his hand and got a finger cut off. She replied, ?What kind of idiot would do that?” He held up his four-fingered hand!”
Out of the mouths of babes
Ben: Too early for beer?
Ben, a man in his late 20s, worked for the area parks and recreation department teaching preschool classes. He liked to make all of his own food and drinks and often drank iced tea from a mason jar. Conner, 4, inquired of Ben during the 8 a.m. class about what was in the jar. Ben told the boy it was iced tea. “Oh, I thought it was beer,” Conner said. Ben laughed and told the boy it was a little early to be drinking beer. Conner replied, “My dad says it”s never too early for a beer.”
Shelley”s run-on:
“My mom and I were out walking around some stores in a strip mall. There was a pie cafe outside of another store and for some reason the two words on the window seemed strange to me. My little ADHD and Dyslexic brain was seeing two words together. I very matter-of-factly asked mom what a big plumpie was? There were two overweight women standing close to us. One of them made a remark and the other one said ?how rude.” I was quite loud when I inquired about what a big plumpie was. Mom laughed as she told me, Shelley that says ?plum pies” not ?plumpie!” It was an innocent mistake and I felt crappy when those women thought I was being rude.”
The pregnant pause
Jeff: A little too late
“One time, when I was a cop in Boise, Idaho, the District Attorney was pregnant with her first child. I hadn”t seen her in awhile. I was in court and she was there. In front of everyone I said, ?Are you ever going to have that kid?” She paused for a moment and then said, ?I had my baby last month!” … Ooops!”
I heard from a few people similar accounts to the aforementioned.
My informal research showed the most common blunders were pregnancy-related.
I did it once and I won”t do it again.
I asked a woman when she was due. She told me she was “just fat.” I couldn”t think of any words to make it right, not even “I”m sorry,” seemed appropriate.
The age-old question
Heather: Winter-spring
“I saw a man at the county fair with a woman who was much, much younger than him. At one point I said, you look like you”re having a good time with your niece … They were on a date and he didn”t appreciate my comment.”
Sheila: Dying over here
“The day I was cutting my elderly mother”s toenails. This is not her favorite thing and she said I was killing her. She wears a life alert necklace. The next thing I knew the house was surrounded by police officers.”
One man”s trash is another man”s treasure
Mandy: Appreciation-check
I was at my children”s school the day after I traded my beloved Jaguar in for a sensible car. I waited for the bell to ring with another child”s mother. “I just bought a new car,” Natalie said with a trembling excitement present in her voice. “It”s so sporty and it”s the newest vehicle I”ve ever owned.” She couldn”t wait to show her son. I shared with her that I too, got a new car. I explained that I needed to own a vehicle that just about anyone could work on. I was a little down-in-mouth about the whole situation. When we gathered our children and arrived in the parking lot, I pointed to my not-so-exciting car. Natalie then, a little disappointed, pointed to hers, which was the same model, a little dinged up and two years older. I felt terrible for raining on her parade.
Healthy dose of humility
Andrea: Driving it home
A group of about a dozen 20-something-year-old friends got together after a few years. One young man shared that he had to sell his car and work a couple of jobs to help support his family, because a series of unfortunate events left them in a bad spot. Andrea turned to her friend Emily and said, “Well, Joe has a good excuse, why don”t you have a car?” Emily answered, “The state won”t let me. I have epilepsy.”
Sabrina: Cocktails anyone?
In order to fund law school, Sabrina took a part-time job as a bartender in Oregon. Needless to say, the state laws are stringent on over-serving alcohol. When Sabrina saw the two men holding a woman between them, as she was unable to stand on her own, Sabrina stopped them in the lobby: “Oh no you don”t. You can”t bring her in this lounge like that.” The woman who first appeared to be intoxicated proceeded to tell Sabrina it was her birthday, she had Muscular Dystrophy and wanted to be as close as she could to walking. Somebody got free drinks that night.
The school of life
On the first day during a media law course, about halfway through the class, the instructor stopped lecturing mid-sentence. She was a bit agitated with the young woman, Chelsea, who was making noise. To top it off she was making faces. The instructor said, “Chelsea, that is very distracting. Just what is wrong with you?” Chelsea replied, “I”m sorry, I have Turret”s Syndrome, I can”t help it.” As we exited the classroom, I patted Chelsea on the back and said, “Well, on the bright side, you”re getting an ?A” in this class.”
Sobering thoughts
As I was writing this column, I got a phone call from a dear friend. She wanted to tell me that her husband always enjoys my columns. Since I can”t take a compliment too well, I said, “He must be drinking.” She responded, “No, actually he”s been sober for 20 years.”
Think before you speak. I am obviously still learning. Please feel free to share some of your blunders with me.
Mandy Feder is the Managing Editor at Lake County Publishing. She can be reached at mandyfeder@yahoo.com or 263-5636 ext. 32. Follow on Twitter @mandyfeder1.
