The child who hasn”t heard of a time out probably arrived from another galaxy, because in our solar system it is the ubiquitous form of discipline, and the most misused—often given in the wrong way and for the wrong reasons.
A time out can be useful when looked upon properly in terms of outcome. It is not a punishment; it is a consequence. However, it can be not only be a consequence, but a valuable tool. It just needs to be changed from a negative to a positive.
First, ask yourself what you want to accomplish. Is this to be his punishment? Do you want him to sit and reflect upon the error of his ways, perhaps to stew in the juice of penance? Or do you just want him out of your hair for ten minutes because you are about to lose control?
So, you”ve had an argument. Or maybe he drove his tricycle full speed into the piano. By your words, your decibel level and body language, shrieking that you”ve “had it” lets him know—momentarily, at least—that he has gained some control over you. That kind of attention just adds fuel to the fire, because at this point he probably doesn”t care whether the attention is positive or negative. A verbal spanking is just fine with him right now. You are out of control and he”s loving it.
First, let”s get calm. Don”t say “Calm down!” Say instead, “It”s okay for us both to be calm now.” Maybe he needs to calm down, maybe he doesn”t—it
depends upon the nature of the misbehavior.
But you certainly do. Probably, the conversation needs to continue, but not mid—rant because you can”t teach a lesson in the heat of the moment. We don”t do our best thinking when we are frustrated or angry, and the fact is that you have probably already been tuned out. Before anything constructive can happen—before you can move on—you both need to stabilize the scenario. That”s what a good time out can do. It is supposed to be a brief pause in your interaction with your child, giving him or her an opportunity to practice self-relaxing skills.
Try this: “Steven, let”s relax for a bit.” Say this not in anger, but conversationally. Your tone of voice at this point will make a lot of difference. Notice that you have not called it a “time out” That term has become pejorative, and it is really bad marketing. “Quiet time” may be a more effective term.
“We have a problem to discuss, and we both need time to think about how to express it to each other. Please decide what you would like to say and how you would like to say it, and I will do the same thing.” His place can be the couch or the dining room table, and it must be a comfortable place to sit; but not his bedroom, because that”s where all the good stuff is—action toys, books, phone, whatever—all things to distract him from his mission. Alternatively, you may give him the option of lying down in a place of his choosing, but where you can monitor his actions during the QT.
“Then we”ll talk,” you say. “You can talk first and I”ll listen without interrupting you.” (He needs to get his concerns out so he has room to process yours.) “Then I”ll talk and you show me the same courtesy. Then we can talk together. Maybe we can come up with a plan.”
A quiet time must be just that. It is time for you to be quiet,too. Do not scold or nag during this time. To do so destroys its effectiveness. Children hate to
be ignored, to be deprived of your attention and affection, and this is what a good QT must accomplish. It must not be an uncomfortable time. Actually, the only discomfort is the withdrawal of your attention. When it is over, you must resume the attention and affection you have taken away.
The sooner he can get back in charge of his emotions, the better.
Then when he talks, really listen. When you let him talk—when you truly let him know that you want to hear what he is thinking and feeling—you have made him part of the solution. This is just one way of leaving part of the decision up to the child. A time out without this strategy is an incredible (and counterproductive) waste of time for both of you.
If you assign a quiet time for every transgression, big or small, your child is going to spend all day at it. Select only those few behaviors you most wish to change—just a couple, or maybe three, at most. As you achieve success with one behavior, you can move to another.
Used effectively, QT is one of the most valuable tools at your command, and it can become one of the most loving techniques you will use.
Robin Harris, retired educator and foster parent, is the author of “Journeys Out Of Darkness – Adventures in Foster Care.” He can be contacted at harris.tke@att.net.
