What can be said in the wake of suicide and such unspeakable grief? It has been my experience that there are no perfect words to stop the pain or heal in the face of such raw grief; still there are some words that are more helpful than others. There are also words that wound more deeply at such a time as this and there are questions that need to be answered.
WORDS THAT HELP
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to grieve. You don’t have to hold it in. Being strong does not mean that you don’t cry. The Bible tells us that when the friend Jesus loved died, Jesus stood before his tomb and wept (John 11:35). He stood before the tomb with the other mourners. So grieve and be with friends. Be with people you love. Now is a time to be present for one another, not because you have the right words, but because the antidote to death is life. Surround yourself with life, not solitude. Being with others will allow you to share your favorite memories and stories, and as you do… to laugh, cry and remember. These things will help.
WORDS THAT WOUND
Grief may be the first response most people have to suicide, but the second most common seems to be placing guilt. Why did this happen? Whose fault was it? Was it bullying? Was it racism? Was it family problems? Why didn’t I see what was happening? Could I have stopped it? Why didn’t someone else stop it? There is a lot of blame to go around when the wounded are hurt beyond healing. But at the end of the day there is a big difference between not being supportive enough and someone choosing to take one’s own life. That particular choice wasn’t yours nor any living person’s. Placing blame won’t heal anyone’s grief at this time. So don’t do it. Instead of trying to place blame focus on how to better encourage one another. As the Apostle Paul said, “Encourage each other every day while you have the opportunity. If you do this, none of you will be deceived by sin and become stubborn.” (Hebrews 3:13 GW)
QUESTIONS TO ANSWER
Is suicide a sin? A sin is any action, or inaction, that falls short of God’s call on our lives and we have all done that (Romans 3:23). So in this sense, yes, suicide is a sin. Suicide hurts not only the person choosing it, but every person that cared for them. Hurting others, or yourself, falls short of God’s call on your life. But suicide is not THE unforgivable sin (Matthew 12:31-32). Certainly some religions teach that suicide is unforgivable because it is a kind of murder, but I see it more as a kind of civil war, where everybody loses, and nobody wins. Romans 8:32 tells us that nothing can separate us from the love of God, not life OR death, so I believe that God is the first to weep, not to judge, when someone makes this terrible and final decision to what was surely a temporary problem.
WHAT NOW?
Spirituality is what you believe. Religion is what you do. In the wake of suicide what we do is far more important that what we believe. What are Christians called to do? The same as we are always called to do — to be a light in the midst of the darkness (Matthew 5:16). The despair that drags people into self-hate, bitterness, hopelessness and despair can be defeated by hope and love. SO, religious people, speak hope. Speak love. Speak grace. And together we will speak life. That’s our calling.
The Rev. Shannon Kimbell-Auth serves as pastor of United Christian Parish in Lakeport
