He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you wake. Bad or good? — Yep, he knows that, too. Santa Claus keeps a database that puts NSA attempts to collate cell phone records to shame. Although a heavy set and right jolly old elf with a booming laugh, his ability to maneuver an overloaded sleigh and eight reindeer stealthily from rooftop to rooftop and to slip nimbly in an out of homes is regarded with awe by elite special forces. Each December he and his elves work nonstop, crafting gifts and filling packages at the famous North Pole shop. Yet he still finds time to take part in parades, visit the Ely Stage Stop and other sites, appear in commercials and more. Santa has been visiting homes in Lake County and around the world for some 200 years, perhaps more. In one evening he brings toys, games and good cheer to last an entire year. And all he asks in return are a few cookies and some milk.
1. It’s almost Christmas, shouldn’t you be at the North Pole?
Oh, there’s plenty of time. Besides, there are a lot of good boys and girls in Cobb, Middletown and Hidden Valley who deserve a great Christmas this year, so I want to hear all of their wish lists.
2. I hate to bring this up, but …
Ho! Ho! Ho! No, it’s coal again for you, I’m afraid. Remember, I know how you treat your reporters. And that milk you left out last year, that was a Colorado Bulldog. You can’t fool Santa. It will take some doing for you to get off the naughty list.
3. You visit homes around the world. How long are those lists?
Well, in the old days it would take a team of elves several hours to unroll the nice list. And the naughty list, that required days. We switched to electronic lists back in the 1940s and we’ve upgraded every year since. I mean, we had the New Wave Two installed long before it was available to the commercial market. Nowadays we rely on six digit qubit processors. We still use paper lists for publicity photos, though.
4. But you still use that old-fashioned sleigh.
Oh, that will never change. That old sleigh will go anywhere and carry almost anything.
5. Do you think you will need Rudolph this year?
Ho! Ho! Ho! A lot of people don’t know this, but ever since that foggy Christmas so long ago, Rudolph has made every trip, right alongside Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. That night made him the most famous reindeer of all, naturally, so people hoped to see that red nose of his. Of course, now federal aviation laws require it.
6. It’s looks like you’ve gained weight. Is Mrs. Claus a good cook?
The best! Her snickerdoodles are so good they would turn Vladimir Putin jolly. I must remember to bring him some. And she does a gooey butter cake that, well, just looking at it adds a dozen pounds.
7. Do you have a favorite cookie?
No, no — I love them all, whatever the good boys and girls put out for me. Shortbread, chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal. Did you know that Dasher once ate an entire bag of Nutter Butters that I brought home from my trip for Mrs. Claus? Oh, was she mad. Now I’m not allowed to have reindeer in the house.
8. How come some people call you Kris Kringle?
I blame Hollywood. Les Mayfield came out with this movie ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ and gave the main character — who was supposed to be me — that name. I really didn’t mind. I kept him on the nice list. But Alfred Hitchcock, now he often ended up on the naughty list.
9. What are you planning to do after Christmas?
I’m taking Mrs. Claus to see Adele in concert. Ho! Ho! Ho! Adele has been very, very good this year. She even gave us the tickets. And she said if her schedule works out, she would try to come up to the North Pole and put on a concert for the elves. And I’m a big Steph Curry fan, so I hope to see a couple Warriors games. You know, we played a little one on one last year and he was good enough to let me win. I would drop by the Super Bowl, too, if the Cowboys had a shot at it. I’d put a few extra draft picks in their stocking, but Jerry Jones would just waste them He’s never been on the nice list.
10. Is there a Christmas song you never want to hear again?
I love them all — all except ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.’ Boy I’d like to take back all the gifts I’ve ever given to Elmo and Patsy for that one, let me tell you. The reindeer would never harm a soul, let alone trample an innocent elderly woman, soused to the gills or not. The only one with a temper is Donner, and that only flares when he loses reindeer games.
