By Robin C. Harris
Your child comes home from school complaining about bullying on the playground — if you’re lucky, that is. If he’s not complaining, then perhaps he is enduring it, knuckling under to it, suffering in silence saying nothing at all. Bullying is not a harmless pastime, even in its mildest stages.
“I’m getting teased by Jimmy,” or “Samantha is trying to turn Emily against me” are tip-offs on the elementary school level that a mild form of bullying has begun. You can be thankful to have learned of it in this way, for many children hide the fact that this stuff is taking place. They are embarrassed to be seen as victims.
But this is the time when it is easiest to nip in the bud, and you can be sure that schools want to know about it, because good schools have a zero-tolerance policy against bullying in any of its forms. They may even have initiated workshops for their staff on recognizing it and dealing with it.
To satisfy yourself that your child is not enduring teasing at school, some off-handed questions, asked at the right time, might help. I find that driving a child in the car is a good time for this, because these conversations appear more spontaneous than a sit-down in the living room, and the fact that eye contact is at a minimum makes your questioning less threatening to the child.
Begin, perhaps with “Who are your best friends at school these days?” Then move into “Are there any kids you don’t like?” “Jack? Why don’t you like Jack?” “Jasmine? I thought she was your friend.” This kind of conversation may give way to information you need to pursue more carefully, possibly with a follow-up: “How did it go with Jack today?”
Victims may exhibit new behaviors — signs that something is wrong. When kids who had been attending school happily, or at least willingly, begin to resist going, it’s time to suspect that a social difficulty needs to be followed up on. Increasing anxiety, withdrawal, decline in grades and signs of diminished self-esteem are significant clues. Frequent physical ailments such as headaches or stomach upset might be a heads-up. Lost or torn clothing, missing personal belongings or skinned knees or elbows are more alarming tip-offs that some kind of bullying is happening.
It is also on the elementary school level that bullying takes place in the bathrooms as well as the playground. When it moves indoors it is harder to spot. Adults supervising the playground should be aware of this when a small handful of kids go in and no one comes out. Teachers, understandably, don’t like to monitor the bathrooms, but a quick pass-through every few minutes will let kids know that this venue is being supervised.
As a parent, if your child is forthcoming about being bullied at school, or sees it happening to others, your first step must be to visit the teacher. Good schools are conducting assessments to determine how often bullying occurs, and where and when it happens. Adult supervision has been increased, and consistent and immediate consequences are enforced. If the word “respect” is at the forefront of the school’s mission statement, and is one of the watchwords emphasized to students, you can know that something positive and reassuring is taking place.
As bullying advances into middle school and high school, the more profound the problem becomes. The hurts grow deeper, the consequences are more dire and the victims become silent. Because it has become more difficult to identify — moving particularly to an emotional level where the damage can be terrifying — we cannot ignore it.
At this age, parents’ efforts to communicate with their kids — problematic as it is — will often yield little information. It’s certainly time, though, to add depression to the list of tip-off behaviors.
But at this sixth- through twelfth-grade level, a new and stronger ally emerges: the kids themselves. Where adults may only suspect that something is going on, the students know. Except in cyber bullying where it is taking place on the Internet, they can often identify both the bully and the victim. In implementing a zero-tolerance policy, students can be a strong cadre of support. It is here that what I call “peacemaker programs” among the student body, including peer counseling programs, are very effective. Surrounded by such a program, kids tend to perceive that their fellow students, rather than the administration and staff, are spearheading the policy.
At every child’s home, it should go without saying that a close relationship of mutual trust, consistency, communication and love is the foundation not only for a sharing of your child’s concerns about life at school, but also figures positively toward a decreased need for bullies to emerge in the first place. Many bullies come from underparented homes.
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Parents and the school should both help children learn to avoid being bullied, so part 3 next week is a message to children themselves, to help them deal with bullying as victims, or as they see it happening to others.
Robin C. Harris, an 18-year resident of Lake County, is the author of “Journeys out of Darkness, Adventures in Foster Care.” A retired educator, he is a substitute teacher for Lake County schools and has recently completed two works of fiction for children and teens. He is available for tutoring in first through eighth grades. Harris can be contacted at harris.tke@att.net.
