By Robin C. Harris
Let’s say we’ve established that bullying is taking place on some level at school, and your Charlie or Charlene is the victim. You’ve brought this to the attention of the school and, hopefully, they’re working on it. Wherever it takes place, the victim’s reaction may bring it to a halt.
Let’s concentrate on Charlie for now, on the elementary playground or perhaps in the bathroom where some bullying at that age takes place. There are some things he needs to know (so does Charlene, but her bullies are usually less physical and more covert, and require a somewhat different approach).
It will be helpful to Charlie to immerse himself in play, where he is “too busy to be bothered,” and will be surrounded with allies. If he is a loner — which is usually the case — this is not helpful advice, but he still must position himself near, if not among, kids his approximate age, and in view of a teacher or other playground supervisor. If he strays from that milieu or goes into the bathroom, he becomes fair game.
What is marginalizing Charlie? Why is he a victim. He may be small or perceived in some way as “odd.” It may also be racial in nature, and in high school, we add gender preference. Parents can help by assuring Charlie that he’s a great kid.
At the actual confrontation, Charlie’s stance can work to his advantage and, oddly enough, he may find it helpful to practice at home before a mirror. Looking subdued, downtrodden, with his eyes cast down is a pose that delights the bully. It is the first test of his power over Charlie, who needs instead to develop a somewhat passive posture, with his chin in a tilt of tolerance — but not defiance — and look his bully in the eye.
At this point, Charlie’s bully wants him to put on a show, where he is expecting, and hoping, Charlie to call him names and shriek, “Leave me alone!” or “I’m tellin’!” Charlie may instead say calmly, “I don’t know why you’re doing this. I haven’t done anything to you,” and turn and walk away in the general direction of — but not to — a teacher. Running from a bully only invites chasing.
If bigger boys have been playing keep-away with his cap, Charlie may even say, “If you wanna play with my Raiders cap, that’s OK, but when you’re through, please put it in the lost and found, or over on that bench, where I can find it,” and then walk away without it.
All this may work, and it may not. It’s surely worth a try. The bully’s reaction may be, “C’mon guys, he’s no fun. Let’s go pick on Fatso McGurk.”
If this doesn’t work, you’ll know right away, because the torment will continue, if not escalate. A bully may perceive this as a challenge to intensify his assault.
You may learn that bullying is also taking place among kids walking to school, or at the bus stop where your child doesn’t have the advantage of intervention by school personnel. Although the bully has no retaliation to fear from an adult, some of this stuff may still work.
Charlene’s problem may be quite different, because her bullying is more verbal or emotional in nature. Among youngest girls, there may be some hair pulling, but generally, girls use different tactics. The plan, though, is pretty much the same. Reaction is important here, too; but girl bullies’ motives may be more long-term, such as social exclusion. This may not be a problem Charlene can address on her own, and as she grows older, perhaps even less so.
By the time kids reach middle school, the problem for boys and girls only intensifies. It is on this level, and in high school as well, that I hammer relentlessly on the importance of what I call “peacemaker groups” within schools — programs which include peer counseling, where students themselves can take the initiative to battle this problem.
But look, a newspaper column such as this lacks the space needed to deal with a problem of this magnitude — one which looms much larger than a bad hair day or a zit. Entire books — many, many of them —have been written for children and teens on the subject of bullying, and I’m going to recommend four of them, recently published, that I consider the best:
• Simmons, Rachel, Ed: “Odd Girl Speaks Out”
• Withers, Jennie: “Hey, Back Off!”
• Mayrock, Aija: “The Survival Guide to Bullying”
• Ogden, Sally: “Words Will Never Hurt Me”
These and many more are available online. Meanwhile, check your local library. You may find help under Dewey Decimal Numbers 302.64, 306.7, or 371.58.
A significant group of students at all levels are those we call “bystanders.” They are the audience which sometimes fuels and empowers the bully; however, not all of this group supports this activity. These bystanders who root for the underdog may become the nucleus which forms a student committee to combat bullying. It is a source of help worth checking out.
