One of the most charming true stories I’ve heard is of the parents who, believing that their 7-year-old Bobby should be exposed to upscale dining, took him to dinner at Le Trianon. The kid was mighty impressed with all that went on around them, as he perused a gigantic adult menu handed him by the maitre d’, who looked like an aging movie star. Then their waiter, seeking to make the boy feel like a grownup, said to him, “And what will be your choice this evening, young man.”
Bewildered, dwarfed by the huge bill of fare he was hiding behind, Bobby whispered to his parents, “He thinks I’m real.”
Seven or 8 is a confusing age. These kids are curious, enthralled, enthusiastic, happy. They are confronted, on the one hand, with their perception that they know all there is to know and, at the same time, the gnawing realization that they do not. They haven’t been on this planet very long and given their diminutive size and their still-lacking experience with the adult world, many (perhaps most) do not feel real.
But feeling real is the grail we all seek.
The term “self-esteem” is spoken so frequently that it almost becomes a cliché. Close synonyms are “self-image” and “self-worth.” The three terms have slightly different meanings (Self-esteem = How children like themselves; Self-image = How they see themselves; Self-worth = How they value themselves), but it all boils down to the way children perceive who and what they are.
Perhaps our most formidable challenge as parents and teachers is that of helping kids be real.
Back to Bobby (a little literary spin on our original scenario) who stabs at something on the menu — maybe Supreme de Volaille—and asks the waiter, “What’s that?”
“Why, young sir, it is a boneless, skinless breast of chicken with a heavenly cream sauce.”
“Ooohh. That’s wonderful. I’ll have that!”
“Uh, Bobby,” says mother, “I think maybe not. Let’s just get the little ground beef dinner on the child’s plate.”
Bobby was introduced to elegant surroundings, but he wasn’t allowed to own his experience.
Why take him to Le Trianon in the first place? Children will have enhanced self-esteem if they feel a sense of ownership and responsibility for their adventure. We know, of course, that he will not finish the Supreme de Volaille, but it can be taken home and served again — a re-engagement with an exciting experience.
We engender a positive sense of self in three basic ways: The first is giving the child choices. Our Bobbys and Belindas will not develop a sense of ownership and responsibility if adults always decide what they will do, and when and how they’ll do it. Perhaps taking Bobby out to an elegant meal wasn’t the best of ideas in the first place, but they did it, and then blew a chance to make him feel “real.”
A second significant way in which self-esteem can be heightened is allowing children to make mistakes. Making mistakes is not a bad thing, but we adults tend to make kids fear this, and this fear gets in the way of emotional development and trying new things. They must instead learn that mistakes are normal — that they are an important part of the learning experience. Children who do not learn this tend to feel defeated.
And finally, give them the opportunity to make a difference. Self-esteem has its genesis in feeling valued. Robert B. Brooks, a professor at Harvard Medical School, says, “Many children and adolescents are downing in an ocean of inadequacy. They feel they are not competent.”
We have not given them the opportunity to capitalize on a strength. Every child has an area of competency that needs to be recognized and capitalized upon. We just have to find it and help them capitalize on it.
Next week I’ll surprise you a little. We’ll talk about what may be wrong with self-esteem — too much of it, anyway.
Robin C. Harris, an 18-year resident of Lake County, is the author of “Journeys out of Darkness, Adventures in Foster Care.” A retired educator, he is a substitute teacher for Lake County schools and has recently completed two works of fiction for children and teens. He is available for tutoring in first through eighth grades. Harris can be contacted at harris.tke@att.net.
