It became fashionable in educational circles a couple of decades ago to bash the concept of self-esteem, or at least question its presence in the classroom. Teachers, sensitive to this kind of thing, found themselves incensed that other members of the profession should be cold to the idea that children must like themselves. Self-esteem, they would argue, is at the very core of living and learning, and only the most icy-hearted of their colleagues could find fault with it.
For many years I championed the importance of self-worth right alongside the rest of my nurturing fellow educators. And I, too, have tended to look askance at some of the hard-liners who would seem to put academic achievement ahead of self-esteem. But slowly, the light has dawned.
These detractors haven’t been trying to tell us that there’s anything wrong with self-esteem. Nor are they saying it has no place in the classroom. They’re just suggesting that the tail is wagging the dog — that while self-esteem is indeed a good thing, you can get too much of a good thing.
So what’s wrong with too much self-esteem? After all, haven’t we known all along that it’s essential for children to like themselves? And isn’t it also true that the better they like themselves, the happier and better adjusted they will be?
Of course; but in some instances, it is equally true that some kids just have too much self-esteem. They like themselves too well. The distinction we often fail to draw here is between having the self-confidence and faith in our ability to accomplish something, and being able to do whatever we want, irrespective of the consequences. We fail to distinguish between self-esteem and self-worship. People who have taken self-worship to its extreme and removed all restraints have moved into this latter camp. Many people in our prisons are very comfortable with whatever they did to get themselves there.
Someone once said, “Our only limitations are those we place upon ourselves.” This seems to suggest that if we remove the limitations, we can do anything. But this is neither necessary nor honorable. What this statement really means is that we must remove only enough limitations to accomplish a laudable task or face a challenge. The rest of our limitations must remain in place.
Did we intend it to be this way? Do we really want our children to put themselves above all else. How did it come to this?
Although the concept of self-esteem has been with us a long time, it received great impetus in the 1960s, engendered by such educational psychologists as Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers. Both went to their graves wishing they had not taken the concept this far. Maslow, in later years, told us that self-actualization is not for children, for even he knew by that time that the self is a very poor love object.
In the ensuing decades, we’ve had a lot of people helping a lot of children get in touch with their feelings, helping them understand how wonderful they are, helping them acknowledge that they are of paramount importance in the scheme of things, that they should worship their own being — all this in the mistaken belief that they will become better persons as long as they think they can do anything.
With the restraints removed, self-esteem’s darker side becomes clear. Violence and aggression are examples of this. The dark side of self-esteem is a diminished conscience.
So, what to do? Should we abandon the concept of self-esteem? Of course not. It is still a good thing and will always be so. But we must have all things in moderation. Self-esteem must be engendered as part of a program of living and learning which includes acknowledgment of the rights of others to respect and happiness. In so doing, we must teach children to like themselves, not love themselves.
There’s a huge difference.
Robin C. Harris, an 18-year resident of Lake County, is the author of “Journeys out of Darkness, Adventures in Foster Care.” A retired educator, he is a substitute teacher for Lake County schools and has recently completed two works of fiction for children and teens. He is available for tutoring in first through eighth grades. Harris can be contacted at harris.tke@att.net.
