Today I will write on the healing power of forgiveness. First I will admit that forgiveness is not an easy thing to do. It is a process that is simple to discuss, but not easy to practice.
It is stated that to learn something it is wise to teach it. The teacher is the student and the student is the teacher. Having put down in these columns how to forgive has allowed me to learn from myself.
To illustrate this, I have been personally challenged by some issues in my medical practice. For instance, not everyone appreciates these columns. Believe it or not, I have received mail from anonymous readers which could be described as vicious.
Some people resist the truth, and vilify it. What has helped me with these situations is to forgive. I don’t need to get upset. I can let bygones be bygones. I receive more positive than negative feedback, so I keep writing. Writing to those who appreciate the material helps teach me to forgive those who don’t.
One practical way to make forgiveness easier is to distinguish it from an apology. An example of this is to forgive someone from your past who has died. Obviously, in this situation, no apology is necessary in order to forgive. Apologizing is an option, not a necessity.
Another distinction is forgiveness and compassion are not the same as approval. People confuse the two actions and feel guilty that if they forgive someone, they must also accept them. Not true. I can illustrate this with my own experience.
I have a family friend who is like an aunt to me. I have known her all my life and she even changed my diapers when I was a baby. Now though, she is an out of control alcoholic. Her addiction is leading to progressive insanity. She is a professional at causing family upset.
I care for her and I forgive her, but I don’t have to approve of her. I do not engage in any communication and would not invite her over for dinner. I avoid her. That’s all. No guilt. No need to accommodate or accept her any longer in my life.
My final comment on forgiveness involves another story, this one from Sept. 11, 2001. There was a phone call made by a bond trader who was on the top of one of the towers of the World Trade Center. The call was recorded on his answering machine at home. This call is imprinted in my mind forever.
The first thing I noted was the man called home. He did not call his stockbroker. He called home. He called home to tell his wife I love you, I am sorry, and please forgive me. He called home in his final moments to love and forgive. This man left the world with a clean slate. His intention to forgive gave him the power to walk with bravery through life’s final door.
We all will come to this moment in our lives. When you do, you will look back on your life and realize how silly all of your resentments were. In the end, pride is a comedy. What will be on your mind is the love you shared with others. You don’t need to be in the final moment of life to realize this. Don’t wait to forgive.
Matthew McQuaid, DPM is a board certified foot surgeon practicing in Lakeport. He has a particular interest in Mind/Body medicine and its impact on healing. He is an award winning author and teacher. For more information call (707) 263- 3727 and visit www.drmcquaid.com.
