Even though I still get excited about my Halloween birthday, something has changed. Besides the weather.
My mom left the planet 20 years ago. Five days before my Halloween birthday. It crushed me. A year later, I started cleaning out my garage, which held my mother’s things. In the midst of sorting, I found my mom’s birthday present to me. It was a simple wind chime made from flatten silver spoons. No matter what the present was, the fact that she had not been around to give it to me broke my heart.
The year after my mom’s death, my dog Eclipse died on my birthday. Yes, on my birthday. Eclipse was a special dog, big and big hearted. I found him on a trip to La Paz, Mexico that I took with my cousin and two other people to watch the long eclipse (July 11, 1991). We drove down in an old station wagon loaded up with the four of us and tons of luggage, plus a picnic table tied to the roof.
One evening, I saw a little puppy yelping on a street corner, clearly abandoned. I took him in my arms and never let go. He wasn’t very healthy looking so I took him to a vet, who fixed him up, gave him his shots and a record of them so I could take him over the border to my home in Whittier, CA. During our time in La Paz, the poor puppy practically destroyed the carpet in my room. I remember cleaning it constantly. I didn’t mind, I just wanted him to get better.
My friends said they had never seen me so depressed after Eclipse died nine years later.
After that, I decided to forget Halloween, forget any celebrations. In fact, it was at that point, I decided to go overseas and see what life in Sri Lanka would be like.
Coming back to California, Lake County, 14 year later, October seemed pretty normal, until this year, when three of my friends died two weeks before my birthday. One friend actually died in March but it wasn’t until October that I found his obituary online. I had lost contact with him when I went to Sri Lanka. My computer crashed along with my contacts. Over the years I tried to find him with no success. I hate finding out about loss online. Absolutely no sense of closure.
My other friend died of Toxic Shock Syndrome, suddenly. He was so young. I know it impacted his husband more than any of us. It’s actually his husband I’m grieving for. They had so many plans as they were both retired and happy about it, especially since COVID had settled down. Never having lost a husband, I could only relate it to having a limb chopped off.
My other friend lost her husband, after a slow, lingering death and it’s her I grieve deeply for. Her husband has thankfully been released of his earthly shell which had weighed him down these last months. We spoke via emails during the final stages, when Hospice entered the scene. Fortunately for her, she has a big, supportive family, who has circled the wagons around her. Like my mom, when my stepdad died, she got busy cleaning the house out, getting rid of the hospital bed, painting the bedroom, taking clothes to Goodwill. I was in Mexico when my stepdad died and my mom didn’t contact me, because she didn’t want to ruin my holiday. By the time I got back, all signs of my stepdad had been erased. Crushed me.
The one that’s kicking my butt now, is my dear friend who has been hospitalized, in and out, for months. First it was cancer, then chemo, then an allergic reaction to medicine that made it impossible for him to eat. How can that be? Eight months ago, he was riding his bike for miles at a time. Now he’s in the hospital with a feeding tube. He said he’s going to come home and stuff himself with food, no matter how hard it is to eat. His doctor had given him the choice of: feeding tube, Hospice, or Right to Die. I think that shocked him. It certainly shocked me. I had no idea he was that sick. His mind is clear and still as sharp as always, it’s just his body that’s not so sharp.
What’s a girl to do? If people hadn’t wished me so many birthday greetings, online, in the mail and over the phone, I might have gone down the damn rabbit hole of deep depression. I thank you all for keeping me sane.
Lucy Llewellyn Byard is currently a columnist for the Record-Bee. To contact her, email lucywgtd@gmail.com
