Six years ago, I had a colonoscopy, and the doctor said I wouldn’t need another one for 10 years. I figured that at 80 years of age, I wouldn’t need one, I’d be too old.
Well, my primary doctor ordered a Cologuard test for me. That’s a colonoscopy in a box. So much for getting out of that. I’m not sure why I need to have more tests of any kind. Research says the “Cologuard test is a valuable screening tool due to its high sensitivity for detecting colorectal cancer, but its false-positive rate and potential limitations in detecting some large polyps should be considered. It is not a replacement for a colonoscopy but may be a good option for individuals who might otherwise avoid screening.”
The box sat in my bathroom for two weeks before I decided to get down and dirty.
Is this getting too personal? Are your tender eyes too young to read this. Heck, knowledge is power, people. Keep up!
There’re so many things I’ve had to learn along the way, on my own. No one taught me. I don’t have to shave my legs because I don’t have hair on my legs anymore. Never knew that hair would disappear., except on a bald guy. I can see some hair on my arms, if I squint. My mustache hair has turned white and looks like a Fu Manchu mustache. My eyebrow hair is also turning white and growing as long as Santa’s. Plucking is painful. My friend says she shaves her facial hair, but with my luck any facial hair would grow back in thick, like Santa’s beard. I actually saw Tina Fey shave her jawline in Netflix “The Four Seasons” movie, so I guess it’s not unusual.
Who is supposed to teach us about growing older? We all know about aches and pains because everyone shares way too much about that.
It’s the little things that need explaining. But who is to do that? Every now and then I tell my granddaughter about certain changes. Not too many though because I don’t want to scare her.
My grandma only told me two things; “If you see blood in the toilet, tell me.” And “Don’t ever smoke something that has green smoke.”
As a 9-year old, I had no clue what Grandma was talking about. But later I realized she was talking about menstruation and smoking pot. Oh my, Grandma would have been shocked to know
me during the 70s.
Definitely a Cologuard test in a box would scare my granddaughter, or would it? Maybe nothing would surprise her because she lived on her husband’s milk farm and dealt with all sorts
of farm experiences.
My daughter told me that having an actual colonoscopy was like having a good little nap.
I recently watched comedian Cathy Ladman joke about getting older. From pill caddies to flapping under arms. She even joked about how relaxing her colonoscopy was and said, “I don’t
know why I haven’t done this before!”
Saturday Night Live did a sketch with Woody Harrelson about Cologuard that put a weird, funny, strange perspective on “unleashing” in a box.
So, I guess if SNL can joke about it then I can make fun of myself for flunking the test!
What’s a girl to do…call Cologuard, request another test and try again, and (sigh) follow the instructions this time
Lucy Llewellyn Byard welcomes comments and shares via lucywgtd@gmail.com
