Goodbye my boy, you’ve been loved.
My cat is dying, I don’t know what to do, except let him be. He’s had kidney disease for several years and it finally caught up to him.
Sox is about 15 years old. He came to my door seven years ago (it seems like I’ve had him his whole life) and asked (he’s very vocal) for dinner and he never left.
The carpet in the room he’s lying on is beige and has little bits of turquoise and rose sprinkled in it. I would have never known about those colors if I hadn’t been lying down on the carpet talking quietly to him. Each time I stroked his head, he’d adjust to a slightly different position, so I stopped that.
It’s been a day of checking on him. In the past he would get up on my chest and lay down, tickle my face with his whiskers. I wish I could have him there to reassure him that he’s loved. But I’m sure he knows that.
Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451 and a gazillion stories and screenplays, often said that he wrote to stay sane. That’s exactly what I’ve done today…tried to stay sane and not get swallowed by grief. In the past when I’ve grieved for a lost one, I would grieve for ALL the lost ones, which made it so hard to get through.
I don’t know why this is so different, maybe because Sox is now helpless and I haven’t an ounce of control. Some have suggested that I take him to the vet and end his suffering. He doesn’t seem to be suffering and he’s here in his home with me and my other cats Noodle, Claire and Honey.
Honey has grown to be Sox’s buddy. She’s always putting her head against his. It’s no difference now, she goes up to him and touches foreheads with him. Perhaps she’s letting him know she’s there for him. Perhaps she’s saying goodbye.
Day 2 or is it Day 3?
While reaching for some papers that Sox had slept on, I fell. Fell and landed on a small wooden magazine rack shaped in an X, breaking it. I also brought down a table and lamp, which hit me in the head.
Sitting on the carpet, that beige carpet, I tried to get my head together. Thank goodness Sox had moved, quite drunken looking, to the dining room. I would have squished him. I called my neighbors using Siri to do the dialing, and fortunately they came over.
Good start to the day, right? I’ve decided that tonight I’m going to let Sox be. I had tried again to put him on my bed, his favorite place to sleep, but he got down off the bed while I watched. He’s barely able to move but he did and now he’s in the hallway and I’m going to leave him there and not bother him.
Hoping to have a quiet night on a heating pad to soothe my back from my fall, but someone set off some illegal M80s scaring all the cats and me. Sox even moved.
It’s going to be a long night.
I wish at times I had taken Sox to the vet for his long eternal sleep. It would have been quicker, but he so hated the drive to and from the vet, that I ultimately (several times ultimately) decided to let him die at home.
Day 3 or is it day 4?
It was a treasure hunt to find Sox this morning, but I found him, mostly under the living room couch. I touched his tail, and his leg moved but awhile later, I touched him again and there was no response.
What’s a girl to do? … dig his spot and lay him to rest. Goodbye my boy, you’ve been loved.
Lucy Llewellyn Byard welcomes comments lucywgtd@gmail.com
